but not as bad as one would think.

I have been trying to get information about it and me and Scott talked about it again last night. Based on the very little I know so far, we would have no problem getting through the home study part. We both are clean and background checks will be easy for us. We own our house and have plenty of room. We have been married long enough, both have stable jobs and income. One thing that will hurt us, is Scott being military. It is a black spot in that many states have residency requirements and cant take the child across state lines and other laws that make military adoption very difficult.

I am still researching about agency/lawyer/private adoption, there are many ways to go about this and I want to do the best thing for us that will get our names out there and get us matched the fastest.

It's very exciting actually. Some information says to start getting the nursery ready as soon as you are approved for adoption. LOL.

Average wait is about 18 months.

It's hard to not get excited. :)

Well, this is a new beginning.

I am no longer looking to IVF. Scott told me last night that we wanted to start looking into adoption. In order to really get my point across I think I have to start at the beginning on the emotions I have felt since then.

First I was pretty shocked. I was not expecting to EVER hear that from him. I had been kind of thinking about trying IVF again, but honestly I was not really wanting to. IVF is so hard, in every way. Physically and emotionally and financially. I was dreading the shots, the ultrasounds, the waiting, the hope the disappointment.

Next I was kind happy. I was still shocked, but I was now thinking about all the possibilities that were going to open up.

Then I was overwhelmed, the money involved with adoption is more, much more then IVF. Like 4x more.

Then I felt complete relief. There was a huge weight off my shoulders. I never have to do IVF again. I never have to feel like I am wasting 10k dollars. I don't have to go through the shots, the ultrasounds, the lab tests.

I am actually excited to be looking into adoption. I don't know much about it yet. I have just started researching it, gathering info. I need to find out if we need a lawyer, if we can just go through an adoption agency. Open adoption, closed adoption...domestic infant or international? There are a lot of things to think about.

All I really know right now is that we both have to go through background checks and a home inspection. That by itself is about 3k and that's just the beginning.

I just read my brothers journal and I am so glad to read happier things. I was getting worried about him, but he seems happier, in his words anyway.

So here I am. Tired, getting ready to go back to bed for a 3 night in a row stint at the Valley. I am getting the hang of the charge nurse role and I think for the most part I am respected as charge. I dont think I am as hated as Carolyn was, but Im finding out that I can't be 'friends' all the time with people that are my friends. Being in charge is about making sure things get done and I have had already had my share of problems and having to talk to people or call Leisle about them. Oh well. I like the money thought, a lot, lol.

I am also thinking about trying IVF again. Just thinking about it right now. I haven't said anything to anyone yet as I am just debating it. I knew this would happen after enough time had passed for me to get over the failure of the last try. I am still very undecided but I am thinking about it more now. There are several things Scott and I have in the works or have talked about doing and one thing I will not do is put IVF on a credit card so I have to have the cash to pay for the entire cycle before I even truly consider it.

Next up is the Vegas trip. It was very fun. I am very disappointed in the way my friends never let me know they weren't coming. If they knew so many days in advance as I think they did then I should have been told. My feelings are hurt and I am questioning my friendship. Me and Scott had a great time none the less and are planning to go back to see the Lion King and then just drive around west coast.

I named it untitled because I am not sure where this is going to go. I was just looking at my high school reunion website and I hardly recognize anyone. I decided to not go to the reunion. I saw where someone had written "these were some of the worst years of my life, why would I want to go back" and I kind of feel that way. I was not the popular one I was not well liked. I had few friends, close friends but few friends. So I am not in teh least interested in going to the reunion. I would not know anyone and they would not know me.

I took that charge nurse job and I kind of regret it. I miss just having to do my job and not worry about everything. It's funny the things you notice when you have too. I have a mediocre nurse who gets involved in everything. Some times that is good, but sometimes that is bad. I have nurses who have no confidence. I have nurses who dont think. Anyway, I kinda miss just being me and taking patients and not doing the charge nurse thing. I am seeing just how little I really know.

Well.......not sure if this is gonna pan out, but I'm crossing  my fingers.

The trouble at work is gone. The one person that managed to screw up things so amazingly is off the floor. So now a Lead Charge Nurse position is open, or at least I think it is. There have been whispers in my ear about taking the position. I have not officially heard anything from above, only the other nurses and LCNs are asking me. I talked to Scott about it, and what I should do. He wants me to take it is it is offered. I am still on the fence, but I admit I would like the job. It makes me kinda nervous but after working Tuesday and having my 6 patients, who were not that easy and having my LCN defer everyone to me for help.....she cant do shit, it would be nice to get paid for what I am doing already. I mean I dont mind helping one bit, but wtf is a charge nurse for if she is going to keep getting me to do her job when I have 6 patients and she has NONE.

Damn this is the same arguement I have had for months, lol.

Anyway, she is gone, last night was last night. I work tonight and I am hoping that I will hear something. Scott says if I am not offered the job or someone else gets it, I should seriously start looking for a new job. Not fair to work as a charge nurse and not get paid for it.

We'll see.

It's been a long time since I have written anything so I figured I might as well.

Still nothing new on the IVF front.  I am still not going to try again. Each day that goes by is one more day that I have not really thought about it, worried about it or even cared. I am not sure if the day will come when I am ready. I only hope that I don't turn 40 and have regrets, but I really don't think I can go through another negative result. I just can't do it.

As for work, well it's just work. There is drama it seems everyday and it just gets worse. I am now trying to stay out of it. I just want to go in to my job and go home, you know? I don't want to get involved anymore, that's not my business and I'm not going to make it my business. I am still casually looking for a new job, but it has to be outside of Cape Fear Valley. We'll see.

Scott is jumping again, it hasn't even been a year since the accident. I am supposed to go out a watch him today but I think I am more nervous than he is.

Wow, it's a short one. Not much to tell or say. Just the same old crap, work sucks, school sucks yada yada yada.

I am so disappointed.

I work and I work hard. I am stuck in the middle of a situation at work that I dont think really has much to do with me. I have a boss that I think thrives on drama and survives on it, I have a charge nurse, while she is a nice person, has her priorities in the wrong place for a surgical floor. When I went to my boss with concerns, and concerns that many other people have had, my thoughts and feelings weren't kept confidential and private. I had overheard some things that this charge nurse was saying and I confronted her about it. I wanted to know why I was thought to be lazy when I didnt feel I was. This charge nurse said that she didnt say that about me or others nurses, it was directed to specific people, but can I believe that? I also learned that the concerns that I brought to my boss about this charge nurse were told to the charge nurse by my boss. Personally I think that is wrong and it breaks the trust that I had in my boss. If I cant go to her with concerns about a co worker and believe that it will be kept in confidence then I will never go to her again. Things like that create mistrust and animosity on the floor and do not solve the problem.

I am sick and tired of people not getting along. I used to just go to work, do my job, and go home. For some reason people come to me with issuses and most of them I dont even see with my own eyes. It's just hearsay and honestly I have no idea who to trust or believe anymore.

I will not 'do the right thing' and go to people with authority with concerns when nothing will be done, I will not be called lazy, I will not stick up for people, they will have to fight their own battles from now on.

Personally I dont care what happens anymore. The charge nurse can stay, or someone else can take over. It won't be me. I have NO INTEREST in being charge anymore I no have desire to get in the middle of the drama on the floor. I just want to take my 6 patients and do my job and go home. It's just work and I what I have do, do what I am told to. I will no longer offer help, if someone comes to me, I will do my best to help them, but I am finished with the rest.

I am angry that it is being said that nurses are lazy and on the internet and that I am not doing my part on the floor. I had one patient last night, my orientee had 5, was I busy? Yes I was busy. Did I sit on my ass and surf the internet, nope, I didnt have time. I did however help my orientee, I did help other nurses on the floor, I did offer to take patients from the charge nurse so he didnt have to take 6 when I had one. He told me no. So instead I did I what I could to help him, to include medicating his patients when they called out, doing some of the checks, I also helped the other nurses.

No more.

I am pissed that I was accused to being lazy for having one patient. I think I do a good job of taking care of my patients. I dont think a patient has ever complained about me. I dont think I have ever had a problem with a patient. I dont think I have had a complaint about leaving stuff undone. But WTF I know? People are probably talking about me too.

Wow, what a rant this turned into.

The job hunt continues....

I love my job. Well, let me rephrase that, I love nursing. I really do, right now though I cant stand my charge nurse. She manages to make everything so much harder then it has to be. I mean she has no patients and a new nurse with her and she still cant do anything. She is too concerned about paperwork and charts then to help the nurses on the floor or even cover her new nurses patients so she can go eat. At one point I had to question her skills as a nurse when she was pushing a NGT down a patient when placement was questionable. She is unsafe and scary. She made a nurse cry the other night and told her to stay late rather then help her so she could take lunch and not stay late. She was asked to start an IV and she said she was no good at it, then stated there are 4 other nurses on the floor who can do, she then made a pretend effort to get the supplies for the IV, but never got them. She says, I'll help you only to not help you. And her help you dont want anyway. I was very sick the other night at work and I asked if I could leave early, like around 5am, the first thing she asked was 'your patients dont need anything do they?' She is so lazy. I stayed the entire shift, was scared my patients would  be dead by 7am if she was 'watching ' them, and I use that term 'watching' lightly. I am getting mad just thinking about it now.

I am currently looking for a new job. I need to get out of Cape Fear Valley and off the floor I am on. It has been so out of control since the new charge nurse came along that I can see something very bad happening. I love the people I work with, and the other charge nurse is great, but OMG, she is awful.

Today is a new day.

I am beginning to feel better and think more clearly about everything. I am still not making a decision about anything yet, but taking into account all the advice my friends have given over this the past few days, I am still no closer to knowing what to do. Wow, what a twisted sentence, lol.

I do a lot of thinking when I am just laying in bed or in the shower or cleaning the house. I can let my brain wander and think about things. This morning I was laying in bed and counting days. Deciding when I was going to as the last possible day I would be willing to try again. I figure if I give myself an end date to make a decision I will be more likely to make one. If I just let days roll by before I know it I will be 40 and it will be too late. As of now I am giving myself to my birthday to decide what to do. I will be 38 this year, Scott will be 42. Age isnt much of a factor for having kids, neither of us care about being the oldest parents in the PTA, but I do care about being older and pregnant. Also since I can control the conception date I can sort of control the birthdate, so if I decide to try again in July, and it works, the EDC is March. If we try in May, its January. I doubt it will be May, thats just way too soon for me. I know that already. I think the latest I would be willing to try is October. I dont want to be doing cycles over the holidays again, that was miserable for me and Scott.

So, I haven't really come to any conclusion at all, I'm just taking it all day by day and seeing what comes and how I feel.